My Heart in a Metaphor
I was having a conversation with Maps, yesterday, when I realized there was a girl in my past whom I’d managed to completely repress and purge from my working memory. Whenever I think of past relationships, past loves, or even high school, I manage to have erased this girl from my mind in an eerily similar way as Clementine’s fate would hold in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The difference, however, is that I managed to remember her.
Here’s how my heart behaves (Feist shout-out). My heart is like a battleground. So much of it is occupied by close friends, family, etc. while the most vulnerable, tender, and compassionate areas are simply being guarded by those friends and family members, as well as by my own intuition. If I’ve lost you, I sincerely apologize.
My heart, up to this point, has been conquered twice.
The first time was by a girl whom I both pursued and pined over for a period of about four years. She’s the one I managed to purge from my memory. We had high school sophomore English together — that was the first time I saw her. Over the course of the next year, we began to see more of each other, both outside of school and in. I had recently taken a job at Blockbuster Video and whenever she would come in with her family, we’d all chat. It would usually be the highlight of my night.
She approached me a few days before we were set to take the AP test and asked if I could give her a ride home. I’d never been to her house before and, boy, was it a palace. Over the next year, I would find myself at her home for social events as well as just hanging out. We would watch movies, play ping-pong, chat — the whole family — chat about school, music (her dad loved Pink Floyd), movies, religion. Religion. That was the killer.
One day, we were riding in her car — she’d gotten her license by then — and I ended up saying “I love you,” on accident. Did I mean it? Yes. Did I mean to say it? No. She stared at me, intently, as her eyes watered. No tear fell, as she maintained her composure. All she said: “Why do you have to be Jewish?”
That question fucked me up until the summer after my first year of college. I even broke up with a girl I tried dating after I realized I wasn’t completely over her — simply because I didn’t think it was fair for her or to myself. Believe me when I say I understand conflict of the heart.
We went to separate colleges, so time was able to weather what I had felt — but it was still there. My first year of college, I ended up getting heavily involved with a student organization and, thus, was able to distract myself with events, new friends, etc. which led to a slight erosion of my emotions for her.
Fast forward to Summer 2008. That’s when I met ‘The Wind.’ My relationship with ‘The Wind’ was so much based on idealism, location, and irrationality that by the very thought of her, my heart was reconquered. And, that’s when I no longer had any room for my heart’s previous empress in my mind.
Everything with this new girl was perfect. We were in Washington, DC… We were both interested in politics, movies, music, social activism… She was gorgeous, she was Jewish, I was in heaven. We would go on strolls to places you see in movies — the Supreme Court, the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument… It was like a dream.
But, like all dreams — it came to an end. When the summer was over, she turned into an idea and the dream into a nightmare from which I wouldn’t fully awaken for over three years. The following October, I had made plans to visit her at school in Ohio. She was excited, as was I, until the week before when she Skyped me with the news that, “I don’t think I feel as strongly about you as you do about me…”
I couldn’t hear her though. I was irrational. I agreed and insisted that no two people ever feel the same about anything, and brushed it off. Plus, I’d already paid over $500 for a plane ticket and had gotten ahead on school work. I was going. And, when I arrived, she couldn’t have been more distant. It was almost as though she ignored me during the day and used me at night. When she was done with me, she’d climb to the upper bunk, because she didn’t feel like falling asleep with me.
On the last day in Ohio, she cried. I like to think she cried because she realized how awful she’d been, but I’ll never know. She told me her friends had been giving her a lot of flack for how she’d been pushing me to the side and how she thought I was such a nice and caring person and that she didn’t deserve me.
I knew, when I got back, that I needed to move on — easier said than done. Over the course of the next year, I managed to let her drift slowly from my memory — but I would often dwell. I saw her everywhere. She even called me a few times to cry about almost dying of alcohol poisoning or about how her family had threatened to stop funding her education. Every time she called, I fell right back into her hands. She had truly conquered me.
Then, I met ‘The Bird.’ Aptly named, she swooped in, distracted me long enough to make me fall for her and then break my heart. This was important because I needed to feel a heartache for someone else. Someone other than The Wind. Was I in love with The Bird, at the time? No. But, was she the healthiest concept that I had to relate to love? Yes. Over the course of another year, The Bird would serve as a distraction in the way that time served as a distraction for the crush from high school. The Wind began to calm.
Luckily for me, and luckily for The Bird, our relationship contained enough animosity to survive two break-ups (both her doing), and a series of confused emotions — she’s the only ex-anything that I am still civil, or even friends, with. And, I consider her to be one of my closest friends. In a way, I think we both ended up needing each other for different reasons. What those reasons were, exactly, I don’t know. But, we both ended up being sources of strength, frustration, reasoning, and enlightenment in each other’s lives.
By the end of 2011, you could say that The Wind’s presence had withered. I had managed to find myself open to the idea of “liking” other people. I had a few crushes, but none of them materialized, because I’d become so cautious and so hesitant to allow anything to happen unless I was certain it was worth it.
That said, The Wind was not yet defeated. In fact, I had sent her a message, early January 2012, telling her that I hoped she was doing well and that I still thought of her every day. It was true.
Then, I met Maps. Then, I developed a crush on Maps. And, after a while, the crush turned into something real. Crushes are irrational. Crushes are how you feel about someone who you don’t really know. Crushes are when you “like” someone in an almost elementary sort of way. And yes, it was silly. It was a crush. But, it became more profound the more I got to know her. The more we talked, the more I realized I cared about every word she said, the more we had in common, the more I realized she cared about every word I said, the more I realized what an incredible human she is, the more I realized what an incredible human she thought I was, the more I realized I felt incredible just being in her presence.
Then I realized I no longer thought of The Wind every day. In fact, I went days without thinking of her, at all. The Wind was defeated. My heart was free again.
And this time, I’m learning from my mistakes. I’m being very careful. I’m being very cautious. But, I’m falling hard. This time, though, I’m not worried. I’ve learned to step back and evaluate. I’ve learned to be objective. I’ve learned not to let myself be taken advantage of. And, I’ve made myself reward trust and not simply give it away. To a degree, whether large or small, I feel as though this might be a mutual struggle.
They say life is a journey.
![DiANA [Mo]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/avatar_87a91acc5f2e_30.png){kind=avatar}
